Holy Crap! I'm in an Abusive Relationship!
by Carbuncle
Summary: Most people here know I like to tackle controversial subjects and portray them in a humorous way, and here's yet another one that'll probably make you go nuts and hate me like you've never hated anyone before. Geez guys, it's only supposed to be fun - it'


FINAL FANTASY VIII  
  
Holy Crap! I'm in an Abusive Relationship!  
  
(Open to Balamb Garden, Headmaster Cid's office. Cid Kraper (I don't like him!) is sitting at his desk with a paper bag over his head. Xu walks in)  
Xu: ...Cid??  
Cid: (muffled) Good morning, Xu! Did you sleep well?  
Xu: ...um, not that it's any of my business, sir, but why do you have a paper bag over your head?  
Cid: (muffled) It's the new look, Xu. All the kids are doing it.  
Xu: ...well, none of the kids from Balamb are, sir.  
Cid: (muffled) Really? Oh, they really should learn to catch on quicker. The kids in Galbadia have been doing this for months.  
Xu: ...I don't think they have, sir.  
Cid: (muffled) I'm pretty certain they have, Xu. Now please do not question my authority again, or I may have to give you the chair.  
Xu: ...  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria. Squall, Rinoa, Selphie and Irvine are sitting at their usual table)  
Rinoa: Has anyone seen Zell lately?  
Irvine: No. Did anyone watch the game last night?  
Squall: Which game?  
Irvine: You know... the game!  
Squall: ?  
Irvine: The Triple Triad Championship Finals! The CC Group were down in the Quad for sixteen hours playin' that damn game!  
Rinoa: So, who won?  
Irvine: I dunno. Like I could be bothered to sit through twenty seven boring rounds of that sad excuse for entertainment. (Xu enters the cafeteria)  
Selphie: Good morning, Xu! ^_^  
Xu: Hello, everyone. I just came in to get a light snack for Headmaster Cid. (to the lunch lady) Two hot dogs, five hamburgers and three extra large orange sodas, please.  
Lunch Lady: Just a second.  
Xu: (sits down with the party) Say, since I'm here how about a little chat?  
Squall: ...whatever.  
Xu: Have any of you spoke to Headmaster Cid as of late?  
Selphie: No. In fact, I haven't seen him for three weeks.  
Rinoa: He's not dead, is he?  
Xu: No, it's just... well, he's acting pretty weird.  
Irvine: He's always acting weird. It's his nature.  
Xu: No, but... (sighs) I'm not supposed to say anything, but he came into work today with a paper bag over his head.  
Irvine: Yeah, I heard that's the lastest fad over in Galbadia. I was thinking of trying it myself.  
Xu: !?  
  
(Cut to Headmaster Cid's office. Xu is there with him. He gets up from his desk)  
Cid: Well, another day over. I guess it's time to go home and face the wife again.  
Xu: Cid, are you all right?  
Cid: I'm fine. Honestly.  
Xu: I'm all for new fads, but that paper bag really doesn't suit you. Could you maybe not wear it tomorrow?  
Cid: ...whatever.  
  
(Cut to Edea's Orphanage. The front door slowly opens. Cid pokes his head round the door and sneaks in)  
Edea: (from the backyard) Cid, is that you?  
Cid: Y... Yes, my sweet!  
Edea: (walks into the house) Good day at work?  
Cid: V... Very nice, dear!  
Edea: Good. (pause) Cid, why have you got that paper bag on your head?  
Cid: N... No reason, sugar!  
Edea: Don't give me that. You're trying to impress the students by getting in on the latest fad, aren't you?  
Cid: Th... There's no fooling you, angel.  
Edea: Take it off. Your dinner will be ready shortly.  
Cid: Y... Yes, buttercup. (takes the bag of his head; despite what you may think at home, there is no scar, bruise or any other kind of mark on his face) Da... Damn, I have to see Dr. Kadowaki tomorrow and talk about this stutter problem I've been having lately.  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the hallway. A student walks past Squall's dorm. Rinoa screams and Squall runs out of the dorm, covering his face)  
Rinoa: (from inside the room) Squall, you little prick!  
Squall: Please Rinoa, I can't take anymore of this!  
Rinoa: (pops her head out the door) Get back in here NOW! (pulls Squall back into the dorm)  
  
(Cut to Squall's dorm. Rinoa has him by the neck and pushes him against the wall)  
Squall: (chokes) I can't breathe!  
Rinoa: I've told you three times to wipe your feet before you tread all over this brand new carpet, haven't I?!  
Squall: Y... Yes, baby!  
Rinoa: Then why do you never listen?! Take off your shoes! (lets Squall go) Go on!  
Squall: Y... Yes, ma'am! (removes his boots) Happ... Happy now, babe?  
Rinoa: Moderately. (comforts Squall) I'm sorry, baby, but you know I only just redecorated this place and I want to keep it as clean as possible.  
Squall: I... I know...  
Rinoa: Don't act so nervous, Squally. I won't harm you again.  
Squall: I... I know...  
Rinoa: Let's talk.  
Squall: Oh... Okay. (he and Rinoa both sit down on the bed)  
Rinoa: So...  
Squall: ...  
Rinoa: Have you got any news, Squall?  
Squall: N... No... not really...  
Rinoa: Why not?! You know how much I love to hear new information!  
Squall: Th... There isn't any, babe.  
Rinoa: Really?! (grabs Squall by the throat and jumps on top of him) Then we'll just have to do something else to pass the time, won't we?!  
Squall: (chokes) Rinoa, my... my throat! (chokes) You're choking me!  
Rinoa: Good! (chokes harder) How do you like that?! (Squall's face has turned purple) Beg for mercy, Squall! Beg! (lifts her hand up and slaps Squall in the face several times) You're a loser, Squall! You're a useless loser and you'll never amount to anything!  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria, the next day. Irvine and Selphie are sitting at the table. Squall and Rinoa join them. Squall has a black eye)  
Selphie: Oh my gosh! Squall, where'd you get that black eye?!  
Rinoa: Yes, where did you get it, Squall? (frowns at him)  
Squall: Uh... I walked into a door.  
Rinoa: C'mon Squall, we have to go now. (she and Squall get up and leave)  
Irvine: Hmph! "I walked into a door." That's the oldest excuse in the book!  
Selphie: What do you mean, Irvy?  
Irvine: It's obvious, isn't it? (Selphie stares into thin air) Squall's gotten his head kicked in, hasn't he?  
Selphie: Gosh! Who would do such a thing?!  
Irvine: Probably Seifer. Or Raijin. Or maybe Fujin.  
Selphie: Or Rinoa.  
Irvine: Don't be silly, Sefie! Rinoa's a girl! Girls can't kick ass!  
Selphie: They can too!  
Irvine: No they can't! They can't even defend themselves properly! If they could then they wouldn't get raped all the goddamn time!  
Selphie: But that's not their fault! Rapists work out nowadays, Irvy!  
Irvine: Maybe, but Squall wouldn't be the type to get beat up by a chick.  
Selphie: Domestic violence is very common these days, Irvy. Guys can go through it too, you know.  
Irvine: A guy? Gettin' beaten up by a girl? Yeah, I'd like to see that, babe!  
  
(Cut to the Quad. Squall and Rinoa are there alone)  
Rinoa: You did good just now, Squally. I'm very proud of you.  
Squall: D... Does that mean you won't beat me up tonight?  
Rinoa: Hmm... no! (kicks him in the shin and he goes down on the floor)  
Squall: Owww! Owww! Rinoa, that hurt!  
Rinoa: I've had enough of you! (kicks him repeatedly in the head)  
Squall: Owww! (covers his head) Stop it, please!  
Rinoa: Never! Ha ha ha ha ha...  
  
(Cut to Ultimecia's Castle, the Future. Ultimecia has somehow managed to gain control over Rinoa and is manipulating her)  
Ultimecia: ...ha ha ha ha ha! This is the greatest idea I have ever had! Much better than that stupid time kompression krap! I shall use this woman as my puppet to destroy the leader of SeeD! Once the leader has fallen it should be fairly simple to take out the rest of these idiots! Kurse all SeeDs! Ha ha ha ha ha!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the Quad. Selphie and Irvine both sneak in)  
Selphie: Hee hee hee! Are you sure we won't get caught, Irvy?  
Irvine: Who cares if we are? That's half the fun!  
Selphie: Oh Irvy! (kisses him passionately on the lips)  
Squall: (from behind the stage) Ugh...  
Selphie: Huh?! What was that?!  
Irvine: It sounded like someone moaning behind the stage... oh crap! I guess we'll have to find somewhere else to make love.  
Squall: (from behind the stage) Irvine...? Selphie...?  
Selphie: Squall?! (she and Irvine run off behind the stage to find a bloody Squall on the floor) Oh my God! What happened to you?!  
Irvine: Did you get beat up again?!  
Squall: Rinoa...  
Irvine: Yeah, sure dude! I'll get Rinoa for you! (runs off)  
Squall: No! Rinoa, no!  
Selphie: Squall? (kneels down to touch his forehead)  
Squall: Stop! Don't touch me, Rinoa!  
Selphie: Eep! I'd better get you to Dr. Kadowaki's office!  
  
(Cut to the infirmary. Squall is lying on the bed asleep. Dr. Kadowaki is talking to Selphie)  
Kadowaki: ...and you're sure you never saw who did this?  
Selphie: Positive. Is Squall going to be okay?  
Kadowaki: I really wouldn't like to say without his girlfriend present. (Rinoa and Irvine enter the office) Oh, good. You're here.  
Rinoa: Irvine told me the news. (Selphie puts her arm around her) Is he okay?  
Kadowaki: He has suffered severe blows to the head and groin. It is possible he will never be able to make love again.  
Rinoa: ...shame.  
Selphie: Oh, don't worry, Rinoa! You can borrow Irvy if you ever get lonely.  
Irvine: What?! I mean, sure, yeah! Of course, you can!  
Rinoa: Thank you, Selphie. You're a good friend.  
Kadowaki: I'll do my best for your other boyfriend, but I can't promise he'll ever be the same again.  
  
(Cut to Ultimecia's Castle, the Future. Ultimecia looks guilty)  
Ultimecia: What have I done? Perhaps I went too far this time... (pause) ...or perhaps the little skum-sucker got exactly what he deserved! Ha ha ha ha ha! I must put this boy to sleep... permanently!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, the infirmary. Rinoa sneaks into the office. Dr. Kadowaki is fast asleep behind her desk. Rinoa creeps into Squall's room and finds him asleep in bed)  
Rinoa: (with Ultimecia's voice) Perfect! Now I shall destroy the leader of SeeD and bring an end to all this nonsense! (puts a pillow over Squall's head) Ha ha ha ha ha!  
Kadowaki: (half asleep) Wha? Who's that?  
Rinoa: No one. Go back to sleep.  
Kadowaki: All right, Mother. (falls back to sleep again)  
Rinoa: There. That should be long enough. (takes the pillow away to see that Squall isn't breathing) Excellent! He breathes no more! Mission komplete! (sneaks back out of the infirmary)  
  
(Cut to the cafeteria, the next day. Rinoa, Selphie and Irvine are sitting at their usual table)  
Selphie: Are you going to visit Squall today, Rinoa?  
Rinoa: Of course.  
Irvine: I sure hope he's better now. I'm runnin' out of male friends.  
  
(Cut to the infirmary. Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa walk in to find Dr. Kadowaki sitting at her desk)  
Selphie: Hello, Doctor! ^_^ How's Squall today?  
Kadowaki: Thank goodness you're here. I have some rather bad news.  
Rinoa: Oh no! He's dead, isn't he?! Oh, fortune how you mock me!  
Kadowaki: No, he's not dead.  
Rinoa: Why did you have to take him away from me, Lord?! Why are you so cruel?! Why couldn't you have taken me instead?!  
Kadowaki: Ahem! He's not dead!  
Rinoa: Why... what?! He's not dead?! No, that's impossible! I mean, oh, great news, Doctor!  
Irvine: Hmm...  
Kadowaki: Your friend is still very much alive. In fact, he could go on living for at least five more years.  
Rinoa: Grrr! I mean, that's fantastic!  
Kadowaki: However, something happened to him last night... and now he's a vegetable. (pulls back the curtain to Squall's room to show a retarded Squall in a wheelchair) I'm sorry.  
Selphie: Squall?!?!  
Squall: Squally! Blergh Squally!  
Irvine: Good God!  
Squall: Uhhh Squally! Livin' a lie! (swings his arms around) Squally!  
Kadowaki: Brain damage is a terrible misfortune, especially to someone as young as this boy. He hasn't got much of a life to look forward to now, I'm afraid.  
Irvine: (kneels down to take a closer look) Squall? Oh, man! What've they done to you?  
Squall: (thinks) ...Squally! Uhhh Squally! Blergh!  
Irvine: My best friend is a vegetable. Oh, this day doesn't get any better.  
Rinoa: Oh well... these things happen. (whistles and walks off)  
Irvine: ...  
  
(Cut to Ultimecia's Castle, the Future. Ultimecia laughs like a maniac)  
Ultimecia: Ha ha ha ha ha! The leader of SeeD is ruined! I would have prefered him dead, but this is far more entertaining! Now SeeD will have to cease to exist, because without their fine leader they are nothing! Ha ha ha ha ha! I deserve a koffee!  
  
(Cut to Balamb Garden, Selphie's dorm. Selphie and Irvine are sitting on the bed)  
Selphie: Are you all right, Irvy? You've been quiet all morning.  
Irvine: Rinoa sure seems to be taking this well.  
Selphie: Whaddya mean?  
Irvine: She didn't give a rat's ass when the doctor announced that Squall was retarded. Doesn't that strike you as rather odd?  
Selphie: No. I figured she was just shocked.  
Irvine: ...come on, Selphie. We're going to have a little chat with our good friend Rinoa.  
  
(Cut to Squall's dorm. Selphie and Irvine walk in to find Rinoa sitting on the bed)  
Rinoa: Oh, hello you two. How're things?  
Irvine: Rinoa, we've come to ask you a question: why don't you care that Squall has been turned into a vegetable?  
Rinoa: Oh, I do care, Irvine. Look how much. Look how much I care.  
Irvine: All right, this has been botherin' the hell out of me! You're not Rinoa, are you?!  
Rinoa: Of course I am, you imbecile!  
Selphie: Imbecile? The Rinoa we know never uses such big words like imbecile.  
Irvine: That's 'cause she's not the Rinoa we know! Who are you?!  
Rinoa: All right, I've kept you hanging for long enough! I am Ultimecia, the brilliant Sorceress from the future!  
Irvine: ...yeah, of course you are. And I'm Cloud Strife.  
Rinoa: Fool, you dare mock me?!  
Irvine: You're not Ultimecia, you whore! We killed Ultimecia - she's dead!  
Rinoa: Silence! I do not have to take this kind of krap from you skrawny SeeDs!  
Irvine: That's how much you know! I'm not even a SeeD, bitch!  
Rinoa: I have heard enough! I have achieved what I set out to akomplish! I must now leave this body and return to the present... or future to you people! Good day! (starts to shake and falls to the floor)  
Selphie: Rinoa, don't leave!  
Irvine: Aw, come on! You're not actually gonna fall for that trick, are you?!  
Selphie: (lifts Rinoa up) Help me get her into bed!  
Irvine: Ooh, saucy!  
Selphie: I'm being serious, Irvy! (they both lift her onto the bed) Rinoa, are you okay?!  
Rinoa: (wakes up) Huh? Wha... What happened?  
Selphie: Ultimecia took control of your body again.  
Irvine: Don't listen to her, Rinoa! She's just tryin' to get you off the hook!  
Rinoa: Off the hook? Irvine, what are you--ow! Ow, my head!  
Selphie: Ultimecia took control over your body and used you to try to kill Squall.  
Rinoa: What?! Kill Squall?! (faints)  
  
(Cut to the infirmary. Selphie, Irvine and Rinoa are standing around retarded Squall in his wheelchair)  
Rinoa: Squally?!  
Squall: Squally! Blergh! Squally!  
Rinoa: Did I do this to you? I feel so ashamed...  
Squall: Squally? Livin' a lie! Squally!  
Rinoa: She... She must have possessed me just a few days ago. It... It must have happened after we came back from the cafeteria on Wednesday afternoon.  
Squall: Squally! (swings his arms around) Squally!!  
Rinoa: Please, please forgive me, Squall. I never meant to hurt you.  
Selphie: Don't blame yourself, Rinoa. It was Ultimecia's fault - not yours.  
Rinoa: I... I know, but... Squall must hate me for what I've put him through.  
Irvine: Probably, yeah.  
Rinoa: I'm so sorry, Squall, but don't you worry. We - Selphie, Irvine, Zell and myself - we're all gonna do our best to get you back to normal, right guys?  
Irvine: Sure!  
Selphie: You bet!  
Rinoa: ...and I'm sure Zell would agree if he was here.  
Selphie: Hey... where is Zell anyway? He's been missing for three weeks.  
Squall: Squally! Squally!  
Rinoa: I love you, Squall.  
Squall: (looks into Rinoa's eyes) Rinoa! Blergh!  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
